We met a couple of our neighbors yesterday for the first time and they invited us over for wine and cheese with their friends for the evening. We went, of course, and in a way I felt like it was The Big Man Above sending me a message saying something like, "Hellooo, when are you going to learn what enough is?"
That's a good question.
I think it started when I came to Florida in 1999 as a naive and poorly dressed nineteen year old, but it was probably long before that. It began as a means of survival. At first I wanted to buy a place, and then I wanted to buy every place, and somewhere along the way I got the misguided notion that I should take over a corner of the world. Or something.
Much later I met Andrew, and for the first time that task seemed really, immensely, embarrassingly small. All of the sudden, I went from working eighty hours a week and juggling six phone calls at once to quitting my job as an Executive Director to What will one more house or boat or car really mean, anyway?
Maybe it's the vineyard of wine that's still in my system or maybe it was the four lawyers talking about their forty employees, their fourteen commercials, their four daughters each, and their four carat diamonds set in platinum or maybe I'll read this in a few hours and delete it by the afternoon, but for the first time since I married That Redhead last year, I feel The Pressure again. And it's like the size of the entire universe multiplied and doubled and wrapped all around me and then some.
When we went to bed I told Andrew, "I can do more. I can make more. This is a time of opportunity. I should be in a buying mode."
"Why?" he said. "So then we would never see each other, and you would have a heart attack by thirty one? Is this about tonight?" And then, "Kelly, what those people think is a lot is, well, it's all relative."
And I said, "That's not entirely true. It's still pretty serious money. I mean, you have to admit that."
"Compared to who? But more importantly, why do you care about what anyone else is doing?"
"I'm not talking about them. It's me. I want to make sure I've done -- I'm doing -- enough."
And he looked at me sternly and simply said, "Yes."
When is enough, enough?
How do you know?
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18 comments:
I'm glad you posted this.
A mantra I keep repeating to myself is "What am I working for?"
It puts everything in perspective for me.
I'm nodding, Kathleen. And it changes, you know? I used to drive down the beach and say to myself, 'THIS, now THIS is it.' And then it was a bigger THIS and a bigger THIS and...
You know?
A great thing to ponder...I feel like I need to be doing something ALL the time unless I'm sleeping. If I'm not doing something, I feel anxious and wonder what I could be doing. Sometimes you just have to sit back and realize you HAVE done enough and you deserve to have a life.
Everyone has a different definition of "success"... what is yours? For me, success is a happy and healthy child, a strong marriage, a comfortable life, and passion in my work. As long as the things I am doing and expending effort on work towards that success, then all is good. But the hard thing is balance - focus too much on any one thing and the other things suffer.
I guess the question is, will a bigger this also bring success in other areas of my life - or will it come at a cost? And can you consciously accept that consequence?
Absolutely, Rambling. I think my underlying obsession is less about success and more about security, though. Does that make sense?
"I guess the question is, will a bigger this also bring success in other areas of my life, or will it come at a cost?" You hit the nail on the head. I struggle with this. I want to look back and have had a meaningful LIFE. In addition to meaningful WORK.
What a poignant post...so typical of a Jacksonville historic neighborhood wine and cheese night...haha. Believe me when I say I have left many similar events feeling like I am far behind the Joneses.
I have had to do a lot of soul searching about what real success means to me this year and I have come to the conclusion that doing what I love and what I feel led to do will be successful no matter what because my heart will be in it. I know full well that a design degree from the local community/state-ish college is not going to make me a lot of money. In fact, I will make a lot less compared to the job I have now. My goal and my heart however, is to have something I can make a little money at, that will also be flexible with raising a family one day. Maybe I will have my own retail space at some point...but not to make a bazillion- just to be fulfilled.
I say that to encourage you to stick to your passions. If you make a lot- cool. If not- cool. Ya know? I'll drink some 2 buck chuck with you if necessary;)
Aw, thanks Taylor.
Thankfully, I've always been passionate about what I've been doing, but I haven't always gotten to give it the time, attention, or ease that I've been able to approach it with lately. The things that drive me have shifted as my circumstances have shifted. And that's a good thing. A really good thing. But it was sort of unexpected, in a way, and it kind of freaks me out.
I don't think that the catalyst for my anxiety is so much keeping up with anyone as it is pushing myself to obtain what I know I'm capable of, and figuring out where I draw the line between financial security and work and quality of life.
It's tricky.
Great post Kelly;
I think ...maybe we underestimate? Underestimate how much we actually accomplish? Underestimate how much the Joneses' sacrifice for their accomplishments?
I have a neighbor [about the same age as you & I] who is a tenured professor. As someone who loves the process of buying a house, turning it into a home, and helping tenants step into a lifestyle they dream of...well, I think it's a pretty big sacrifice to be so engrossed in anything else that one does not acquire furniture, let alone bricks and mortar [he's house-sitting while the homeowners are abroad for the year].
So I say if the sacrifices don't feel like sacrifices, keep plugging away. And stop when it turns into a permanent drag. If one spends 80hrs a week doing a single thing, it should be something you're passionate about.
Amen, M. AMEN. You make it seem so simple -- and it should be! "...If the sacrifices don't feel like sacrifices, keep plugging away." What a great measuring stick!
And, yes, I agree that maybe we tend to underestimate. Very true.
I do this a lot with my art work. I feel I could be creating more or way am I even doing it? I guess it's a struggle we all go through and have to discover on our own.
Yes, that's much of it, Danielle.
But at least with my painting or drawing, it's such an overwhelming compulsion that, for me, there's no question on when or whether or how to produce. The financial component is not there. Buying and renovating keeps me happy because I love to design, I love to build, but it's also what's given me the lifestyle and freedom I enjoy now. So I feel like that pressure to produce is always with me.
To be frank these are the kind of gatherings I try to avoid. I would have had to leave in a, "Something suddenly came up," kind of way before I swilled one glass too many and said what I thought about it all. JMHO
I think your freckled love is right. You have everything you need right now. You have a roof over your head, food in your belly, and love. That's a lot! You should be enjoying it instead of feeling preoccupied with what you should be doing or should be making or should... have. Life is way more simple than we make it. When you mention security, I can relate to that but it's interesting to me that you didn't feel the pressure until you met some neighbors and looked at their situation. Are you comparing yourself to them?
Actually, it wasn't my neighbors at all, it was some of their friends. I think it's natural to compare ourselves to each other. And while those folks aren't necessarily my peers and what they have isn't comparable to the situation I'm in or what I've done, it was more of a their efforts and their outlook that brought up that anxiety. I know what it's like to be so wrapped up in something, to be grabbing every, single opportunity all around you, to work each moment for more, more, more, more, more... It's a survivalist mentality that sort of takes on a life of it's own if you let it. And I think it can be very fear based, but also very comforting at the same time, because everything you're doing is creating a sense of security for yourself. And when is that enough?
The people I met the other night were clearly self made, and they were actually great company. But they were also very much in that place, and it's a slippery slope for me. When do you get to stop creating a life for yourself and actually enjoy it a bit? I struggle with that balance, I think.
Balance is very hard. I understand. I've heard that some people actually schedule "life enjoyment" time. For instance, you could say that you can work as hard as you want Monday-Friday, but then you can't do anything work-related on the weekends. Or something like that. You can build relaxation into your schedule. It feels better when you have worked hard and you know you've earned it. And also realizing how important that time is to your well-being and the well-being of the ones you love makes it a priority.
I have an idea that will put all of this in perspective for you. You *might* not like it. :)
Better too little than too much. And as soon as it's not making you happy, it's too much.
I think we all go through this at one time or another. I often find myself wishing that I'd chosen a more lucrative job or taken bigger risks. I've even considered going to law school! But really, I have to remind myself that when I see others who seem to have more than me, they also have...MORE... than me. Do I want a $3000 house payment looming over my head every month? No. Do I want to look down at my diamond ring and realize it would have fed a hungry family for 5 years? Certainly not.
That's just my take.
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