You Were Totally Right

Andrew: Say it again, please.

Me: You were right.

Andrew: Again.

Me: Stop.

Andrew: But I didn't hear you.

Me: You were right.

Andrew: And?

Me: Yes, he deserves the phrase 'rock star' in his email address.

Andrew: And?

Me: And what?

Andrew: And I am totally right all of the time and you will listen to me from now on. Always.

Me: Like this morning, when you tried to force feed me The Cardiac Arrest Sausage Waffles Dunked In Syrup?

Andrew: Exactly.

Step Away From The Payoff

The vast majority of you probably shouldn't be paying off your mortgage right now. Keep in mind that I say this as a person with a profound fear of debt, who began with nothing.

Understand your own power and the consequence of your money, no matter how modest the amount you're starting with is.



Click here if you're interested in what I have to say about getting a home loan.

This is a good article if you're curious about tax deductions on rental property.

Manny Sandwich

While making a Man-Man Sandwich earlier this week -- when Andrew and I pick up Mr. Manny and squeeze from either side and yell, "Manny Sandwich!" -- we noticed a terrible, greenish, gooey film covering his right eye, which was sort of droopy and forlorn.

Man-Dog's been pretty healthy for majority of his life, three and a half long years, twenty two months of which have been with me. It wasn't long into that time together, that I discovered that Manny was a *gasp* Latchkey Kid. Since Andy travels most of the week, Manny was left in a popular daycare, where his supervision consisted of a chain smoker who wandered among a dozen or so dogs in a large, fenced area. Dogs who inevitably ended up scratching and bruising Manny. This was known as Play Time.

It provided a great lesson in my new relationship with Andrew, who didn't see a problem leaving Manny among a group of dogs who looked like they were cared for about as well as a tribe of sewer rats. So I let the doggie daycare go for several months.

Because we were getting more serious, though, and because one night while watching a DVD a single tick was discovered on Manny's back that I declared "absolutely, unequivocally came from one of those reckless animals he plays with at daycare -- probably the one with the eyebrow ring and anarchy tattoo who cuts himself in the paws and was caught with the fake I.D. last month," Andrew decided to pull Man-Man from his puppy Kindercare program.

I'm not sure if it's because his eye is still bothering him from our obscenely expensive visit to the vet on Monday, or if it's because after a year of spending his days with me, including three moves, three new brothers and sisters, and a diet that cuts his cookie intake to less than forty two peanut butter flavored Milkbones a day, but he's looking at me in this picture like, "Daycare wasn't that bad, Mom. Can I go back, please?"

Twenty Third Bag Of Mail: Getting A Home Loan

"Hi Kelly,

My name is Heather and I read your blog EVERY day in my google reader. I LOVE your passion for real estate. I'm twenty two and in the thought process of deciding whether or not to buy a home. I have a couple questions and I'm not sure if you would know the answers but I thought I would ask.

1) Who in the world do I talk to regarding getting a loan?

2) My partner and I want to combine our wages together to get the loan, BUT she doesn't want the loan to be under her name because she owes a little money to the IRS. (Yeah, I know bad, right? We're working on it slowly.) Being that I'm only twenty two I have limited credit (but good credit), but I don't make enough by myself to get as big of a loan as I would if we combined our wages. (Does that make sense? I'm sorry if it doesn't. She's the bread winner.) Do you think we could get a loan WITH her wages combined with mine but WITHOUT her name?

I know that you aren't a loan broker or whatever they're called, but I'm just a tad bit scared to talk to one about this, is that stupid?

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.

Heather"

Heather, are we being honest here? If we're being completely honest then I have to tell you that I'm way too pre-occupied with the fact that your email sounds like it's written to someone who's, like, the wise, old, ripe age of thirty. That, and that my initial response was to completely sound like a way old fogey, crotchety, thirty year old. Because my very first two thoughts when I read your email went something like this...

1. It's not stupid to be cautious about consulting a mortgage professional. Especially since they likely work on commission and a home loan is a big decision. It's always a good idea to ask someone you trust (who knows a bit about real estate) to refer someone reputable. But for heaven's sake, please be careful about asking folks on the internet (and this DEFINITELY includes professional referral services)! For all you know, I could have had dog brains for lunch.

2. You're, like, 1000% certain that you and your gal pal are going to ride off into the sunset on a unicorn and spend all of eternity together (it could sooo happen!), right? But consider the legal and financial implications if you don't. Could I sound anymore like the father in Dirty Dancing if I tried? I DIDN'T THINK SO.

If you're still here, and haven't banished me from your Google Reader, then I'll say this... Buying a property at your age in this market is perhaps the smartest thing you can do eva evaaa, Miss Heather. Your head's in the right place. Figure out a way to make it happen. Consult a mortgage professional who works directly for a bank (rather than a broker). They'll be able to offer the best packages. Look into FHA loans and work with an experienced Realtor who may be able to get you cash back at the closing. In terms of keeping your girlfriend's name off of the loan, there are ways to do what you're asking to do, but some of them walk a fine line between legitimate and mortgage fraud. And, personally, I like to stay on the right side of that line. By a continent or so. I've seen Lock Up, and peeing alone is something that I realize is an inherent need for me.

That said, if you and your lady do end up (now or in the future) going in on a piece of property together, consider titling it in both of your names as Joint Tenants With Rights Of Survivorship. This will allow the other to take it over should one of you pass away without the property having to go through probate. It's something that I'd always suggest for partners sharing title who aren't married.

Last, if it were me, I'd buy something much smaller on my own. Let's just say that I could tell you stories, Heather. Boy, could I tell you stories. But just think about it for me, would you? You can always add her into the mix later, right? Just think about it.

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to write to me. You know, old fart me.


I am not an attorney. For legal advice, please seek qualified legal counsel.

When Where What 028

when: last night
where: yes, I'm cooking in it, do not doubt my superpowers
what: gouda, cheddar, macaroni noodles, and broccoli also known as AWESOME

Before + Progress Pictures + Video: The Historic House By The Water: Kitchen, Part 3

This morning I woke up and immediately began sketching sections (which are grossly inaccurately scaled, obviously) of the kitchen.

I'm certain that the success of my decision to make the room into one big kitchen while still separating delineated work areas will rely heavily on the finishes that I choose and the way that I detail the new countertops, walls and ceilings. Opening up most of that load bearing wall and running an uninterrupted line of cabinetry and countertops along the back will help create a space that's larger and more cohesive with better natural light. Using more formal finishes (think polished stone, smooth ceilings, and cabinetry with glass) in the area near The Dining Room will help it feel more public, while I want to keep the finishes in the semi-private area near the french doors more industrial (think exposed wood beams and brick, stainless steel prep tables, and open shelving).

Just to refresh your memory, take another look at our starting point.



Pretty bad, I know. It's okay to cringe.

Here's a five minute sketch of our tentative ideas.

And here's Contractor Bobby and Contractor Doug tearing into that wall so that we can get an idea of what we're looking at. I also describe our plans for the space. Sorry, though, no firearms this time. It can't always be 007 style over here. Sheesh.

Here's hoping it all pans out like I plan. Andrew's been out of town, but I'm sure he'll be thrilled by my latest scheming. I'm sure. But just in case, don't anyone bring up the fact that our kitchen looks like a bomb threw up. An expensive bomb.

Anyway, at least I had a fabulous morning.

I love this stuff.

See Part 1 here.

See Part 2 here.

Before + Progress Pictures: The Historic House By The Water: Kitchen, Part 2

Before + Progress is an ongoing series keeping you up to date on whatever project is currently occupying our time. There is still lots to be done at this point to make the Progress photos actually qualify for the coveted After stage.

Double click on the photos to enlarge.

I really enjoy when you tell me what you think. If you haven't figured it out yet, well, that's in large part why I bring up such loaded topics like this, this, this, and this. And I want to thank everyone for sharing their opinions in such a respectful way and as part of a larger conversation.

But.

We also talk about really important things like my ceiling and such over here, don't we? So let's get to it.

First we started with this fugliness:



And then there was a war:



But today there came peace throughout the land:



In the way of furring strips and recessed lighting. Let's see it from a different angle:



So go ahead. Tell me what you think.


See Part 1 here.

Look, It's My Giant Heart

With a much faster pulse than either my junior year college track coach who forced me to wear a monitor or the exhibit instructor of Giant Heart at Chicago's Museum Of Science And Industry ever guessed, I've wondered lately how much the stress of the last decade has affected my health.



And what my heart rate was when Andrew and I decided to file our taxes together this year. With his accountant. Who's email address includes the phrases Rock Star and CPA.

Jesus Saves

I took this photo wandering around Chi-Town a couple of weeks ago and immediately it reminded me of a conversation I had eons ago with an ex-boyfriend's mother.



"What did you think of the sermon?" she asked.

"Well, I was pretty uncomfortable with the part about everyone who doesn't believe in Jesus going to hell. You know, especially considering that my life long best friend is Jewish and all."

"Well, she'll come around, honey. Kelly, Jesus saves."

Before + Progress Pictures: The Historic House By The Water: Kitchen, Part 1

Before + Progress is an ongoing series keeping you up to date on whatever project is currently occupying our time. There is still lots to be done at this point to make the Progress photos actually qualify for the coveted After stage.

Double click on the photos to enlarge.

When we first saw the price tag on The Historic House By The Water we could hardly believe it. The asking price was over one hundred thousand dollars below a house that was for sale two doors down, and fifty thousand less than the next door neighbors. Plus, it had a number of major upgrades that neither of those could boast.

And then we saw the kitchen.

The "renovated" kitchen, I should add. Which, of course, we're now renovating.

I whipped up a five minute sketch so that you can see what it looks like now:

And here's what we've tentatively got in mind:



The main challenges are the lack of counter space and poor circulation. Right now, the space is basically divided between what feels like two rooms. Since the wall in between them is load bearing with an electrical box, I'm only going to pull back part of it where the dishwasher is. Then I'll relocate the entrance from The Dining Room and refrigerator, to provide more uninterrupted counterspace and a better work area. My goal is to make the space without the appliances feel like an extension of the kitchen, but in a semi-private prep/pantry area kind of way.

We've begun by relocating The Gun Room, I mean The Mechanical Room, door to The Dining Room.

We're also in the process of removing the ceiling and track lights and replacing them with flat drywall and recessed lighting.

Every, single thing will be replaced -- cabinetry, flooring, counters, appliances, etc.

More to come soon...

Beer Chicken Sans Beer

I'm about to share a really easy recipe that you've probably had before. Nothing about my version is earth shattering, though having this in my back pocket has elicited a marriage proposal or two and kept my rumbling belly full of tastiness on the cheap. I call it Beer Can Chicken Without The Beer. Like I said, it's not life altering, but let's just pretend that it will rock your world, too, all right?



Kelly's Beer Can Chicken Without The Beer

3 to 4 pound whole chicken
1 can of rootbeer
rosemary
thyme
Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning
Tony Chachere's Butter Marinade
butter
applesauce
1 sweet onion
salt
black pepper

Preheat oven to 400 degrees, and make sure the rack is on the bottom. Remove any innards or items from the inside of the chicken. Open a can of your favorite root beer and drink 1/4 to 1/2 of it. Put soda can inside of holder and place in an oven proof pan or dish. Arrange the chicken on the beer can.

Inject chicken all over with Tony Chachere's Butter Marinade. (Don't worry, it's surprisingly low in fat and calories.)

Sprinkle all spices and seasoning on the inside of the neck and seal with a halved onion. Rub chicken with applesauce and sprinkle with all spices and seasoning. Top neck with a dollop of butter and applesauce.

Place chicken in the oven and set your timer for thirty minutes.

Wait.

By the way, what are you going to serve with the chicken? Here's what I like to throw together.

Kelly's Beer Can Side Corn Without The Beer

4 strips of bacon (low fat or turkey bacon is fine)

2 cobs of corn

hot sauce

1 tablespoon of shallots

salt

pepper

Place the corn in the oven next to the chicken. While it's roasting, throw the bacon in a pan on medium heat. Use shears to cut it into bite size pieces while it frying. When it's mostly done remove the pieces and drain on paper towels. Make sure to leave the bacon flavoring in the pan. Remove the corn from the oven and cut the kernals from the cob. Pop it into the same frying pan that you just had the bacon in on medium low heat.

Add the shallots, hot sauce, and salt and pepper. Cook for a minute.

Add the bacon and simmer for a few minutes.

Has it been a half an hour yet? Check your chicken. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees.

Bake for another hour to hour and a half.

More waiting. I know. I hate waiting. Go play Scrabble or something.

Voila. Pure tastiness. Be ultra careful removing that sucker from the can. It's dangerous business.

Finally, eat, enjoy, and ignore the dishes!

Four Dollar Frame With A Side Of Undies

I was looking for a frame just like this recently, so you can imagine my disbelief when Andrew came bursting into the house from a coffee run yelling, "Put on some clothes and meet me in the neighbor's yard!" (No, not The Lawyers next door, The Photographer and The Nuclear Scientist across the street.)

And I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. WHOA. What? Back up, cowboy."

It's not like I forget that I'm naked like some people in this house. I mean, not often enough that it warrants a verbal reminder.

When Where What 026

when: earlier this week, late morning also know as The Perfect Time Of Day
where: at the end of our street
what: a stunning collection of jumping fish, flouncy palm trees and gummy waves

Say Anything: 13

Say Anything is an ongoing series of quotes that I identify with or am intrigued by.



"I don't believe in villians -- just people who channel their energy in the wrong way." actress Elizabeth McGovern

Bank Of America Bungles It

You will receive one of these automated responses if you send me hate mail regarding this post:

1. Don't take it personally just because you're sleeping with an executive at Bank Of America.

2. You are the reason that everyone's parents are going to be living in their garages in a few years.

3. What's in the best interest of our country is not bailing out the highest risk losses to Corporate America, it's providing support to the greatest number of responsible borrowers (bottoming and leveling out the playing field) since they're the ones driving recovery. Rather than stringing out folks who can clearly not afford it, why not lighten the burden on investors and neighbors who have the funds and desire to scoop up those properties and properly care for them and their community?

Worth Noting:

1. The rate of forgiveness is actually $10,000 a year, not 10%.

2. The program will be considered a modification not a refinance. It's by invitation only. The bank has announced it will reach out to delinquent borrowers whose mortgage balance is at least 20% greater than the value of the house.

3. Even though loan reductions have been offered before, the scope and magnitude of this program exemplifies the shift large banks are making in strategy. I believe it's because they perceive default as becoming more socially acceptable and are aware of the large scale financial risks this could pose for them.

But I'll Forget My Underwear

I asked Andrew if we could talk about how he organizes his things by leaving them scattered around the house in places that it's impossible for him to visually miss so that there's less chance that he'll forget them. And how going out in public sans underwear is inappropriate either way.

Fretting

Things I Am Concerned About Today

1. I discovered an enormous red, elevated bump on the bottom part of one of my lady lumps that is large and not entirely unlike wearing this, except minus the wiener reference since I am clearly without the decision making arm of Tiger Woods and Jesse James.

2. Our ceiling in the kitchen is the color of poop and smells. Have I ever mentioned that the upstairs bathroom sits right above the kitchen? Hence, the kitchen renovation has been appropriately rescheduled from Whenever I Get Around To It to around, oh, about Tomorrow At Eight In The Morning DON'T YOU DARE BE LATE.

3. It took me about half an hour to feed the dogs their heartworm pills this morning. By the time we were finished I was draped in peanut butter and wearing a sailor's cap made of Kraft cheese. Butbygawd, they each took their medicine. I mean I'm, like, 88% sure each pill went down the right throat...

4. I am on my second Venti latte. When I ordered it, I told the rockabilly girl behind the counter, "This music is awesome. Who is this?" as I bobbed my head like a college kid at a Dave Matthews concert. "My niece's lullabies," she said with a totally straight face. You are still cool, I told myself. On top of it, I suck at lying.

5. After I plucked about a half a dozen gray hairs out of my head last night I asked Andrew, "Have you ever gotten a gray hair?" "Sure," he said. "Really, I've never seen any?" He shrugged. "If you go totally silver will you dye your hair?" I asked. "I don't know, I might go for the George Clooney look. You know, age gracefully." "Me too." "Really?" "So how did you like the chicken I roasted?" "It was really good." "By the way, I meant to tell you I made a hair appointment for Friday."