Why This Isn't A Fashion Blog

I know you look at this picture and think, How in the world did she get so lucky, don't you?

It's Magic

Thank you, Dr. Bronner, for filling my entire upstairs bathroom with the scent of lavender since Wednesday. Anything that overrides the smell of wet dogs resisting baths is a good, good, good thing.

Reservation For Three?

Doctor: So you'd like to get pregnant?

Me: No. Well. I was hoping you could answer a few questions about that.

Doctor: Okay.

Me: I want to know how long we have to decide. Theoretically.

Doctor: I mean, that depends on a lot of things.

Me: I understand. But taking into account my health and medical history and stuff, you know, just level with me?

Doctor (putting down his clipboard and looking up): You know, I don't want to tell you that your biological clock is ticking.

Me: I'd like to point out that I'm only thirty one.

Doctor: And how long do you want to wait?

Me: blink blink blink

Doctor: Kelly, your biological clock is ticking.

Me: But we're not planning on trying for at least a couple of years. We don't even know if we want kids.

Doctor: And who knows? It might be super easy for you to get pregnant if and when you decide to. You've never gotten pregnant before so we just don't know. But if you wait two years, that puts you at thirty three. If a patient has trouble conceiving at that age we immediately refer them to an infertility specialist, because success rates begin to decrease sharply around then. Not to mention the increased rate of chromosomal abnormalities around the age of thirty five.

Me: But I have a neighbor who just got pregnant for the first time and she's forty. She did in vitro and BAM she got knocked up on the first try.

Doctor: Were they her eggs?

Me: I didn't look in her oven. I have no idea.

Doctor: If you use the eggs of a twenty year old than your success rate increases greatly. For some women, however, the biological component is important.

Me: So what are you saying? Be straight with me.

Doctor: At thirty three your eggs will have aged. Their time may be up.

Me: But not if we use a twenty two year old's eggs?

Doctor: Pretty much.

Silence.

Me: Andrew, how do you feel about sleeping with your secretary?

Yeah, I Draw 012

conceptual building sketch
ink on Strathmore

IF YOU UNSUBSCRIBED TODAY

Please know THERE WILL BE NO MORE NAKED BULLDOG FOR YOU.

Me Versus Tee To The Vee

Some months ago I began getting a few comments and emails here and there about Andrew and I getting a television show.

And it got me thinking.

While I really appreciate your vote of confidence in us, I'm not sure there's enough hair and makeup people.

IN.

THE.

WORLD.

In any case, I did email a producer back today, and whoever sent the information thank you very much for thinking we're worthy of terrifying audiences on a national level. Or international level? Which reminds me, please let us know who you are. Because we're wondering if we need to say, "Eh?" in our interview.

Cannibal

Do you know who this is?

Andrew refers to him as My Five Dollars That Satchel Is Eating.

This Is What I Need

Oh. My. Word.

I saw this guy last night and all I could think was, Now that, THAT would have come in handy while I was finishing this.

And just think how helpful he could have been with the curtains.

When Where What 050

when: earlier
where: here
what: Satchel removing Man Dog's ear, because there's a huge black market for that sort of thing

Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Was Xanax around in the eighties?

And why can't I sling the word dick like this?

p.s. Cocaine was around in the eighties, which I know because Winona Ryder's cousin told me. TRUE STORY.

Before + After Pictures: The Historic House By The Water: Master Bedroom, Part 1

After fifteen thousand four hundred and sixty five posts about the Master Bedroom, it's pretty much finished.

Tomorrow Contractor Bobby is coming by to hang a thirty two inch flat screen on the wall opposite the bed, and I've spent a good deal of time figuring how to detail the wiring. Other than that, I think I can put this whole Master Bedroom project behind me. I could drag you through a recap of all the disasters, but let's be honest, do you really want to hear about the three hour bed saga or the ceiling that shot a softball size plaster chunk up my nose?

I didn't think so.

Anyway, here are some Before + After shots for your perusal...

And a few detail shots, just for fun.

What do you think?

The Birth Of A Bed

What is the lesson here?

When the warehouse people at World Market warn, "There is no way that you can possibly assemble this by yourself, because it took two of our furniture guys three hours to put it together," it is not a challenge.

But I'd like to note that if it was, I WOULD HAVE TOTALLY WON.

By, like, four whole minutes.

IT WASN'T EVEN TIED DOWN WITH ROPE

Andrew: Are you okay?

Me: Am I okay? I wasn't the one who was all, 'We're about to drive over a ninety degree hill, why don't you hold back our new four ton bed from flying out and decapitating someone on the highway.'

Andrew: IT'S CALLED BEING ADVENTUROUS.

More Appetizers Because It's Not Ready

Bad news. The Master Bedroom is still not finished. I had to make a choice between enjoying the summer sun with the dogs or slaving over nail head while crouched in a yoga friendly position. Let me tell you how easy of a decision that was. There may have also been a few trips to European Street and a latte or two shuffled in the mix, but really, who's keeping track?

Putting The Master Back In Bedroom

Congratulate us, we have curtains. I decided to bite the bullet around eleven o'clock the other night, and hoisted myself on top of our dresser, because climbing perfectly good furniture makes way more sense than, say, using a ladder.




Andrew snuck up on me while I was working, which explains the blurry photographs and my Chuck Lidell pose. I'm sure you're so looking forward to the day when I actually post a picture that doesn't involve a dog, a bad hair day, a contorted face, or MY BUTT.

I wouldn't hold your breath.

In other news, the bed and headboard have been purchased, and both are totally Master Bedroom worthy. We found killer deals on each, and I'll indulge you with details once we've, you know, tested the goods.

What?

They have to perform!

Speaking of which, now that the curtains are hung, I wonder if our neighbors are going to miss the free peep shows?

I guess you can't please everyone...