Sunday, September 25, 2011

"Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

I was seven years old sitting on my father's lap holding a map that he'd drawn on a napkin. He'd laid out the site of one of the concentration camps that he'd spent much of his childhood in, because he was trying to tell me a funny story about sneaking past the Japanese guards with my Uncle Paul so that they could steal a bottle of soy sauce. Because soy sauce tasted better than rocks, he explained. And rocks tasted better than dirt. Unless it's one of those days when you've barely been allowed to eat anything all week, and then they pretty much all tasted the same. Especially when they had to be divided between eight younger brothers and sisters.

Oh, and also. Your pregnant mother.

He widened his eyes as he mentioned that last part, and I remember thinking that I might, for the first time, actually witness my father cry. (As it turned out, his body wasn't physically capable of dancing with that corner of his heart.)

Did his mother find out that they'd stolen the sauce, was the only question that my seven year old brain could come up with.

"She'd died just before that," he said. "Trying to give birth in the camp."
____________________

I'm having an especially hard time this week.

Sea Monkey is no longer playing passive aggressive, and has moved on to openly kicking the shiz out of me twenty four seven.

I feel perpetually sick.

Stuffy.

Nervous.

Nauseous.

Emotional.

Exhausted.

Pukeriffic.

It's not helping that suddenly everyone who ever shared with me their forty thousand six hundred and seventy two pregnancy horror stories now claim that their nine months were the easiest trimesters in the whole wide world world and also they only gained ten pounds and delivered in, oh, about thirty six seconds, probably because they took three birth classes and had sixteen doulas and four birth plans that involved swimming pools and chants and standing on all fours while whistling She'll Be Comin' Round The Mountain When She Comes.

Yeehaw.

You see, if I just did this or read that book I'd be much better. Which they know, because they're mothers, like, five times over, and it's no. big. thang. Really, it's pretty easy. Or, it should be easy. Wait, you're not having an easy time? DID YOU TRY THE WHISTLING?

So. This should be easier. I know this should be easier. I'm educated. Well established. In shape. I have every amenity and advantage at my fingertips. I have no right to feel overwhelmed. That's just being ungrateful. This is a tremendous gift. The only thing truly important is the baby's health. I have no place complaining or being scared. I realize that compared to women around the world, hell, women on the other side of town, that this, really, this should be a mother effing cakewalk.

Also, you're not supposed to curse in front of a fetus, they say.

Not even effing.

21 comments:

Mellodee said...

Oh Piffle!! Every pregnancy is different. Every woman is different. Your experience is not the same as anyone else's and don't let anyone tell you differently!! First and foremost, your body is going through ENORMOUS changes, you have raging hormones all playing fruit basket upset with your emotions and reactions. As your body tries to adjust to the differing needs you have now, it also has to cope with the invasion of your body by some unknown foreign body that just keeps getting bigger and more needy every day! You feel what you feel! None of it is anything but reaction to the preparation for your child. You are pregnant and pregnancy makes you crazy (and sometimes it makes you stupid too.) BUT, and this is the important thing, all of the changes, craziness, emotions, nausea, hormones, and expanding waistline will go away after baby is born. Of course, then there is another all new set of circumstances to deal with!! But at least, you won't feel like throwing up all the time!

Even though some days you'll wish you had never met baby's daddy, I promise you that one day it will all be done and you will have a real, beautiful baby of your very own! There isn't much in life that's better than that!

Courage! :)

Ruth said...

:)...big hug. how many more months?

Katie said...

Kelly. You and your husband seem like one of the most capable couples out there to procreate and raise a healthy, happy kid. Think about it -- if you were trying to adopt, you'd probably be at the top of everyone's list. Here's the thing: When it comes to parenting,

NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

Yep. I said it. People are going to give you advice. Listen... don't listen... it doesn't really matter. Because in the end, the two of you are going to figure out your own groove and raise your own kid however you feel is best. And the pregnancy and labor thing? It's different for everyone. You'll get through that too. However you feel is best.

Oh, and you can totally swear in front of a fetus AND a kid, up until they get to that point where they start repeating everything you say. So you're totally golden. You have this. :)

Katy said...

It helps if you just don't talk to people at all. That's what I do. Don't listen to other people and their advice because the problem with pregnancy is that each one is totally unique.

Also: did I tell you the story about the time I gave birth in the front seat of my car? ;)

Lisa @ Trapped In North Jersey said...

I felt horrendous for the first 16 weeks with all of my kids. In fact, right before I got pregnant with my third I was having really horrible stomach issues caused by IBS, and I was peeing on sticks every three minutes, because as I told my husband "I have never felt this shitty without being pregnant."

It will get better. No really, it will.

Hugs.

aBroad said...

Blame Everything on Hormones.
Because that is mostly true.
Really, just try to float along with it all.. your body is taking over and you just have to go along with it for a while.

I was only 18 when I had my first and I had no clue about anything ( apparently- I was 18 and having a baby !!!!)
Looking back now, ignorance in that case was maybe not total Bliss but close .. over informing on some things just causes more stress.

Try to meditate more and read less. Nest , honey, nest ..
besos ..

Karajeanne said...

grab a hold of your husband and hold on tight...there is no wrong or right...it really is different for each mother and with each child...it will end eventually...the joy will be more than you ever have experienced in your whole life...it is un-imagineable...none of this advice will help you until you look back...just remember at all times...no one is pregnant forever...and eventually the baby is delivered...it is a ride the likes of none you've ever been on...

Sara Stirling said...

It is NOT easy. Sometimes it sucks! Don't deny what a giant big deal this is! You have every right to have overwhelming emotions. And be scared. And feel sick. And take it easy. And gain 65 lbs. Oh wait the last one is actually not ok... cuz then you have to lose SIXTY FIVE EFFING POUNDS when you're done being pregers and that really sucks. But it's ok to gain more than 10 lbs. Give yourself a break. And breathe.
- Mother twice over and currently pregers.

Nutbird said...

Try Republic of Tea Ginger Peach tea. Also raspberry leaf tea is supposed to help. After two terrible pregnancies I found out that nausea, etc may be caused by low levels of B vitamins, maybe 6 and 12. Those nausea bands for the wrists might help, but you would have to pin them smaller, since you are tiny. My doctor said he was glad that I was sick, because that meant lots of estrogen from a healthy fetus. Try to sit outside a lot on the beach in the fresh air. This will pass, and then you will be happy until a girl is about 11, then they will hate you, then like you again when they are in college, then in the late twenties they get annoyed again. You can't win, but that is life. One day at a time. Ann

the gnarling tree said...

It sounds awful and overwhelming and yet your little post was absolutely delightful. Curse all you want, this is your story, and the slate is blank! (Well, not totally blank because there are some really cute comments about your little Sea Monkey and a few curse words).

susiehinson said...

Sweetheart, calm down. Stop listening to everyone else, talk to your OB and your husband. Everyone feels like they're out of control during pregnancy and after the birth of the child. You will do the right things, you won't drop the baby or starve him or sleep through his crying when he wakes up during the night. Instinct kicks in. As a grandmother with two new babies in the family, I've done a lot of calming, reassuring and soothing in the past few years. I really hate it that these new moms are so stressed and upset. You will do just fine! Stop worrying so much and take it day by day. We all seek perfection, especially as new parents. But it's not possible-your best is good enough because you will love this child so much. You cannot make a mistake!

Tracy said...

You have every right to be overwhelmed and scared, what's more, your hormones will ensure that you are certifiable 99% of the time. But believe me, you are going to do great. I did so many things completely "wrong", but my kids are amazing young adults anyway. Turns out all they need is love.

Melissa said...

i barfed my guts out till i was 32 weeks. totally sucked. and i was healthy and in shape too. and labour was long, and it hurt. but so worth it, and i had a good baby. maybe that was the payoff? you shouldn't listen to those women who say it was easy and they gained ten pounds. they are clearly lying, so you should just punch them in the face. and then blame it on pregnancy hormones (totally acceptable).

My Beautiful Life said...

That story about your dad was really gripping.

The pregnancy emotional rollercoaster is giving you quite the ride. Though I know it isn't pleasant. Throwing up non stop, and making best friends with the toilet is no fun. At the time when I had to go through the nausea, and the raw emotions that would come and go at the blink of an eye (I cried over the most random things) I thought I would never want to do that again, and yet we had #2. Now that I'm not able to have any more, and with two of my sisters are pregnant, I wish I could have just one more chance to experience the miracle that is having a baby. Though I now I'd be saying the same things you are if I actually was pregnant at the moment. :)

Sending a hug your way, and wishes for a nausea free week.

Miss Chelsea said...

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. Who cares what everyone else says... you're carrying a live person inside of you, of course it isn't going to be easy!!

PS I always heard it was "the farmer in the dell... hi ho merry oh", maybe THAT'S why

Heather said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so ick... I'm pregnant right now as well (16.5 weeks along), and have been feeling the same way. The hubs & I tried for a year to get pregnant, and once we had given up - bam! Preggo! But now I feel all sorts of ick - tired, hungry, not hungry, ravenous, more tired, nauseous, I gag every time I brush my teeth, I am a snot machine, etc etc etc. I'm just not feeling wonderful, and not feeling myself. And to top it off, I've started feeling the baby move (!!!), except most times it moves, it makes me feel even more nauseous. So that's fun.

Anyway, know that there are other preggos out there, going through the same thing as you. And it's totally okay to have a pity party every once in a while. Because, honestly, let's be real - you have a tiny parasite taking over your body & making you feel all sorts of weird.

xoxo

Melissa said...

ps that story about your father weighed on my mind that i came back to read it again. i would be TOTALLY interested if you ever could share more. i am so interested in the holocaust it is fascinating to me. have you seen "life is beautiful?" amazing movie.

kelly@tearinguphouses said...

i haven't seen that movie, melissa, but maybe sometime i'll check it out.

as a child, my father was in a japanese concentration camp during the second world war (which had little to do with the holocaust concentration camps that most people are educated about in germany). they were liberated by the british when he was around thirteen, i believe.

most of his experiences he shared with me when i was a small child. in retrospect, i imagine that he thought that i was too young to remember the stories he was telling me.

only in recent years, did i realize what rare, important, and more often than not, untold stories my father and many dutch indonesians carried with them from that period of time. unfortunately, we are losing most them along with that many of the memories from that aging generation.

i was not close to my father, and he would not speak of that period of time with me after i became an adult. however, he painted quite a bit throughout his lifetime, and the oils hung all over his homes, many of them scenes and recollections from the years of the war.

at some point i may share some of his work here.

Melissa said...

amazing kelly. sorry to have made the assumption of a german concentration camp, i didn't even clue into the detail of the "Japanese guard". now i am fascinated to read up on my history!

Janell @ Isabella and Max said...

I swore a few times while pregnant and the kids seem pretty okay today! Every pregnancy is different, and the first can certainly be overwhelming, no matter how wonderful! Janell

Margaret@RummageLiving said...

It's totally OK to be overwhelmed! Must be frustrating to not even be able to direct your energy (nervous or otherwise) into decorating a nursery yet! Lots of luck with the house and hope your tummy settles soon!
xo
Margaret