No one is more stunned or elated by this turn of events than I am.
Andrew and I conceived about thirty seconds after I tossed my pill pack.
My doctor had warned that when we were ready to try getting pregnant I would need to take my body temperature and figure out my ovulation and track my hormonal levels and have sex standing on my head while watching three R-rated films simultaneously, and then, maybe, possibly, if we were really good people in our former lives, we'd have a four and a half percent chance of reproducing, and that was assuming we did a rain dance for the fertility gods within fifteen minutes of doing the deed.
So I still have no idea how babies are actually made.
We weren't doing any of that, and believed our single encounter was purely practice sport so, in true form, I was walking around drinking Hummer size lattes, without a prenatal vitamin in sight, completely oblivious to my new status as incubator extraordinaire. I also ate soft cheese, undercooked meat, and all kinds of fish high in mercury. I should have just hit the blow or swallowed a tobacco farm while I was at it.
It wasn't until we were out shopping one afternoon that I noticed something different.
"I'm bloated," I told Andrew. "I can't even see my abs."
The next day we were getting ready to go out to dinner and I looked at myself in the mirror.
"I'm really bloated," I told Andrew. "I'm going to take a pregnancy test."
He rolled his eyes and I laughed. But. You never know.
I went in the other room. Did my business on the stick. Before I could read the directions, there it was.
Did I do it wrong?
Maybe coffee affects these things.
"Ohmygod," I whispered.
"Ohmygod... Ohmygod... OHMYGOD... OHMYGOD... OHMYGOD... OHMYGOD... OHMYGOD... OHMYGOD..."
I was yelling now.
Andrew was in the other room putting his pants on. He hollered, "You're such a horrible liar." And then, "Where should we go for dinner?"
I was about to change his entire life.
I came out of the bathroom, one hand over my mouth, one holding up the pregnancy test.
He glanced at me.
He looked again.
For a second I thought he might ask me my name or if it was the year 1942. He seemed completely confused.
Then, he half grinned and said quietly, "You're pregnant." As if he was informing me of this status, and not the other way around.
I nodded. "I'm taking another test."
Two boxes later, we decided that it was true.
We are absolutely over the moon. And out of our minds.