Friday, September 2, 2011

Two Become Three

I'm pregnant.

No one is more stunned or elated by this turn of events than I am.



Andrew and I conceived about thirty seconds after I tossed my pill pack.

My doctor had warned that when we were ready to try getting pregnant I would need to take my body temperature and figure out my ovulation and track my hormonal levels and have sex standing on my head while watching three R-rated films simultaneously, and then, maybe, possibly, if we were really good people in our former lives, we'd have a four and a half percent chance of reproducing, and that was assuming we did a rain dance for the fertility gods within fifteen minutes of doing the deed.

So I still have no idea how babies are actually made.

We weren't doing any of that, and believed our single encounter was purely practice sport so, in true form, I was walking around drinking Hummer size lattes, without a prenatal vitamin in sight, completely oblivious to my new status as incubator extraordinaire. I also ate soft cheese, undercooked meat, and all kinds of fish high in mercury. I should have just hit the blow or swallowed a tobacco farm while I was at it.

Anyway.

It wasn't until we were out shopping one afternoon that I noticed something different.

"I'm bloated," I told Andrew. "I can't even see my abs."

The next day we were getting ready to go out to dinner and I looked at myself in the mirror.

"I'm really bloated," I told Andrew. "I'm going to take a pregnancy test."

He rolled his eyes and I laughed. But. You never know.

I went in the other room. Did my business on the stick. Before I could read the directions, there it was.

PREGNANT.

I gasped.

PREGNANT.

Did I do it wrong?

PREGNANT.

Maybe coffee affects these things.

PREGNANT.

"Ohmygod," I whispered.

"Ohmygod... Ohmygod... OHMYGOD... OHMYGOD... OHMYGOD... OHMYGOD... OHMYGOD... OHMYGOD..."

I was yelling now.

Andrew was in the other room putting his pants on. He hollered, "You're such a horrible liar." And then, "Where should we go for dinner?"

I was about to change his entire life.

I came out of the bathroom, one hand over my mouth, one holding up the pregnancy test.

He looked.

He squinted.

He glanced at me.

He looked again.

For a second I thought he might ask me my name or if it was the year 1942. He seemed completely confused.

PREGNANT.

Then, he half grinned and said quietly, "You're pregnant." As if he was informing me of this status, and not the other way around.

I nodded. "I'm taking another test."



Two boxes later, we decided that it was true.

Probably.

We are absolutely over the moon. And out of our minds.

55 comments:

Amy Ryan said...

Wow congratulations. I hope you are doing well. Best wishes!

Mellodee said...

What wonderful news! Congratulations! Having a baby is an exciting and interesting journey, but the destination is the best place you'll ever go!

Jessika said...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessika said...

I also think your dogs think that the more appropriate title to this post is "And six becomes seven," but that doesn't have as wonderful a ring to it.

Cassie @ Primitive & Proper said...

what a fabulous story! congrats and best wishes for a healthy and happy pregnancy!

Jocelyne said...

Yay! I am just 5 weeks pregnant, and also did 4 tests to make sure... (some people called that overkill, but I thought that was perfectly reasonable!) It's a crazy feeling, isn't it, finding out?

Katie @ Domestiphobia.net said...

Yep, I'm a tool. :)

I love this post. Not only is it hilarious, but it gives me hope that maybe, in the next couple of years, I'll be ready for this madness.

Congrats to you both!!

Elisa @ What the Vita said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!! (yes I'm yelling!)

Loved this story! Yes I did all kinds of bad stuff in my first month too because I didn't realize we would conceive SO FAST but Baby seems to be fine and yours will be too!

:) :) :) :) :)

Monica @ CreativeGator said...

Congrats on your wonderful, exciting news!!! Time to load up on the Gator onesies!

Melissa I. said...

Congratulations! This is very exciting news! :)

Katy said...

well thank goodness you're not puking yet. I hope you don't experience that part! good luck and congratulations!

Kerry said...

CONGRATS!!!! This makes me smile... it's pretty much exactly what happened to us last fall. I had no symptoms except the bloating and sure enough that pregnancy test told us right away our little girl was on the way... and I was also going around drinking coffee.... and alcohol not knowing I had a baby growing inside of me.... and she's absolutely perfect!

Congrats again... what an exciting journey you have ahead of you! :)

Melissa said...

woo hoo congrats lady!

And Kathleen said...

Eeeee! I'm so so excited for you guys! Congratulations!

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Woo hoo, congrats, I don't know you in person and I am sooooo exited for you!

Now time to start planning the nursery....!

Loren said...

So exciting! Congratulations!

A little old house said...

Wheeee! How exciting! Congratulations!

Lauren said...

So happy for you both! Congrats Kelly, I expect lots of hilarious posts on the joys of pregnancy!

Tabulous said...

I KNEW IT!! :) Your not so subtle posts were kind of total giveaways.

Mazel tov, you two!

Caroline @ The Feminist Housewife said...

AHHHHHH.....I am SOOO happy for you! I look forward to following you along this journey. It's amazing. = )

Caroline said...

Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations!!!!

I read tjis sitting on a recumbant bike at the gym and am totally silent crying :) I'm such a sap for pregnancy and baby stories.

I wish all three of you the very best!!

Kate@TwentySixToLife said...

Congratulations!!

aBroad said...

I'm weeping, I'm smiling, I'm weeping , I grinning ...
Congratulations to you both.
Life as you know it will never be the same and you will thank God for that every day ... I am so happy for you :)

Laura said...

Yeah!!! So happy for you! More crazy, fun, blessed adventures to come!

Nita {ModVintageLife} said...

Congrats!!!! Please don't turn this into a Mommy blog. So happy for you. Amazing that it was so easy...I have been out of touch for a week and a half. My little Newman died last week and I wanted to die too. But so happy for you that things are on the upswing.

lollingabout said...

Whoohoo! Congrats!

Tracy said...

Congratulations! Hey, what do doctors know? I got pregnant 3 times while trying my damnedest NOT to, so I don't think it's as hard as they make it out to be. You're going to be GREAT parents (No, I don't know you, but I can tell by the way you treat your dogs)!

Lisa @ Trapped In North Jersey said...

Congratulations! That's fabulous news :-) Loved the story.

Nick Klaus said...

!!!
Congrats! Here's hoping all goes well. This means cute baby photos to go along with the cute dog photos, right?

Hillary @ The Sweet Maple Life said...

Congrats!! That is so awesome!!

Deborah March said...

Aaawww, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Jen Jensen said...

Congratulations Kelly. I can't wait to hear some of your pregnancy stories :)

Deb said...

YAY!!! Welcome to the roller coaster ride :)

Cass said...

HUMUNGOUS Congratulations- wonderful news!!

Melissa at HOUSEography said...

Congratulations!! That is so awesome!!!

llaMc said...

loved this post! congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Long time reader, first time commenter: Big congrats to you!! Weirdly, this post came at exactly the right time to give me some happiness. I'm divorcing and am 29 years old. My saddest thought has been - there goes any chance of having a baby ever... and here you are 3 years ahead of me living the dream. Well, thanks for the boost :)

Vonda said...

Congrats Kelly! It's great news. I look forward to your blog getting even funnier thru your pregnancy.

Kim@NewlyWoodwards said...

Wow! Congratulations! It was meant to be and I'm so happy for you both!

Lisa said...

Awesome!

Meg @ House Notes said...

Whoa, Nelly!! That is such awesome news!! Your baby is going to have the best taste AND sense of humor! The world had better be ready!

Lynett said...

Wooohooo!!!!! Congrats to you both!

Chelsea said...

Whoa! I knew after all those "are we REALLY ready for kids?" contemplative posts that it wouldn't be too long before you guys decided that you really were ready - funny enough, we followed the same pattern, and here we are very nearly new parents (just a couple more months!). Congratulations, and I hope you have a fantastic pregnancy! Enjoy it. ;)

~Chelsea

Margaret said...

CONGRATS!!!!!!!

Miss Chelsea said...

I love the way you write. You had me cracking up with your rain dance mumbojumbo -- but really, congrats!!

Alexson said...

How awesome! Congratulations! Exclamations!

Also. I effing love that your first symptom was that you couldn't see your 6 pack. Bad ass.

brickandbrack said...

OMG CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Misaki Boutique said...

WOW congratz!! wish you all the best

http://misakiboutique.blogspot.com/

jessalyn said...

i am a little late to this party, but holy crap congratulations times a million!!
apparently i have been pregnant for 30 years because i have never seen my abs.

so so happy for you!

wedding is in 8 days (um.yikes.) and we are going to start trying- you make it all sound much less scary.

Cindy @The Flipping Couple said...

So so so SO HAPPY for you!!!!! Unbelievably happy. Hope you're still feeling like your awesome self, but by recent blog post reports it looks like you are. Congrats Kelly!

carrie @ brick city love said...

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! Children are such a blessing....I'm very happy for you. I loved the description and the planning advice your doctor gave you...but take it from a mans perspective with football analogies....all the medical BS aside of temperature, food intake, weahter patterns, blah, blah, blah.....Practice, Practice, Practice...always makes perfect. Then..insant replay.

Jen @ RamblingRenovators said...

Um, apparently I have been living under a rock because I am only reading your wonderful news now. HUGE CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU!! Wow. So very happy for you & Andrew.

Sara @ Russet Street Reno said...

How did I miss this? Congrats!!!

Kate said...

Congratulations my dear! I have been totally away from blogland since the birth of my baby Mabel and am just catching up now! WOW, I am so happy for you guys, it's a pretty crazy, wonderful, scary journey that is worth every bit of getting fat, pain, bad fashion and lack of showering...

now to catch up on the rest of what I've missed. big hugs to you both